


The Seraph

by robertstanion



Series: 35mm: A Songfic Oneshot Exhibition [5]
Category: Hatchetfield Universe - Team StarKid
Genre: Angst, FOR THE FUTURE, M/M, Songfic, john loves his ghost boyfriend, so sypf spoilers, song: The Seraph - 35mm, sypf spin off, this is set in a chapter i haven't written yet, tw: suicidal themes, wink - Freeform, xander has powers au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:41:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28430316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robertstanion/pseuds/robertstanion
Summary: In a time of loss and confusion, where people are beginning to view the dead all over Hatchetfield and the truth spiling out, John almost concedes in the fact maybe this challenge was too much to conquer. Five steps foot from the portal and his mentor’s voice in the back of a mind, a figure outlined in blue soon becomes his saviour
Relationships: John McNamara & Miss Holloway, John McNamara & Wilbur Cross, Xander Lee/John McNamara
Series: 35mm: A Songfic Oneshot Exhibition [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2055153
Comments: 3
Kudos: 2





	The Seraph

**Author's Note:**

> anyways so this technically count as sypf spoilers but honestly, i haven't written that chapter of if you want if you dare and i don't think i want to

Distraught could hardly be described as a reasonable explanation for how he felt, let alone a valid conclusion. It wasn’t supposed to head south. It wasn’t supposed to head so desperately downwards that the road became a bottomless pit, an endless spiral. He wasn’t supposed to fall, to come so close to a swirling sea of psychic energy that spat purples and greens at him, the embers of acid inches from touching his skin. It was something preventable, but his stupidity and hero complex not only led to the downfall of some of his best agents…but to his friends. Currently incapable of taking care of himself, he found himself praying at the alter soon to become his grave.

The tears, so delicate, that turned his skin to a blue carpet of velvet began to stain. The grey-blue eyes centred in the solemn whites that were sunk back into his eyes, exposed by the dark bags caused by stressful sleepless nights, were soon flourishing with navys and teals. His pale skin, blank, expressionless, soon became a canvas of a painting hidden so far back in one’s mind it was hard to depict.

He sobbed harder, his fingers reaching out, grasping at the silk-like fabric that the portal consisted of. The small threads of the BL-U3 and the R-3D combining to make such a monstrosity. Gentle hands wove them together, a web made of frozen tears and anger. No, it wasn’t necessarily a weapon, though that was what its purpose was. Like a veil, it claimed the lives of the innocent, and only a certain type of suit was resistant to its power. Attempting to close a tear in the universe that grew with every soul claimed was deeming impossible. He’d failed his taskforce. He’d failed himself. Now, praying at the edge of his universe, was his end.

He hears a voice. A breath behind his ear, and a whisper in his brain. His eyes shoot open again, quick to wipe the tear stains from his face, and looks up at him. A figure towered over him, his body distorted, though his crooked jaw and black hair were distinguishable through the web. He grinned, and a hand became extended to the mentee that sat on his knees, his breathing staggered. The man before him crouches down to John’s level, and any ounce of evil seen before vanished at once. The smile became gentle, his hair flourished to the red it had been before, and his eyes turned hazel once more. He raised an eyebrow towards him, reaching his hand closer by gradual amounts. “Come on, John. We’re here. It’s just me, ain’t it? Just Will.”

If it hadn’t been for the door slamming open behind him, he’d have stepped in. He knew he would’ve. Instead, he was met with a firm hand on his shoulder, and a soft voice filling the tension he’d left. “It isn’t your fault,” she said, but he shook his head. “You couldn’t stop what couldn’t’ve been prevented to begin with, son.” He knew he could have prevented it. If he’d have gotten to the portal room soon enough, if he’d have gotten to close it then disruption wouldn’t have occurred. He wouldn’t have had to face his enemy in a strong light. He would have had to keep the truth hidden. Now, many remained dead, and he wasn’t. He should have been one of the fallen.

“You know that isn’t true.” Not many saw the man in such a state. Xander, of course, always had, and always would. Marriage opened the path for vulnerability, for anger, for closure. But…Xander…Xander lay…dead wasn’t the truth, but he may as well be. So pale, so vulnerable, and he couldn’t do anything. He let the five of them loose with little to no understanding of what was truly going on. Now, praying at the edge of the alter was all he could do. “I could have done so much more…”

“You saved his life,” the woman countered, but again, the mentee shook his head.

“I saved his life and placed him on life support straight after.” He wiped his eyes. Desperate to run away, he stood. “Holloway, I could have done ten times more than I already had done to save him from his future. And…” he had to stop before more tears fell down his face. His skin was already stained blue. Luckily, she seemed to understand, for she placed her hand back on his shoulder.

“I understand.” Her voice remained as melodic as it usually did. Her pale hand brushed through his hair, moving it behind his shoulder. “Jonathan, what happened couldn’t be understood. Not by me, certainly. And the one person able to make sense of it all…” she exhaled, looking to her sneakers. “I ask one thing of you, and that is you rest tonight. It may not be easy, but we’ll get working tomorrow. He’ll be safe.” With that, she threw an apologetic smile at him, leaving.

He collapsed back to the floor as the lights flicked off, the door shutting firmly. He remained on his knees as he looked up to the portal once more. “Please. I’ve failed at my job; I failed my purpose. Take me.” A silhouette appeared in the shadows, and the same denim-clad man from before appeared, taking his stance on the ground. He outstretched his hand to John again, repeating the words.

“Come on, Johnny. What ya gotta be so afraid of? It’s just Will.” The devil who sat before him on the other side of the curtain reached through, cupping John’s chin. Feeling the younger man lean into the touch like he used to when he had scrapes on his face during training, he moved to cup his cheek, taking him by the face. Slowly, but surely, they raised, and Wilbur stayed on the other side of the barrier that parted him from his mentee.

Somehow, the shadow that was on the tiled floors of PEIP seemed more welcoming than ever. Now it had a physical form, a name, and coated the walls like a fresh lick of paint. John stepped forward, walking inside his shadow, desperate to feel his father-figure once more. Even though he could feel the hand on his face, the pace he was keeping himself at didn’t seem to be enough. He wasn’t going in the portal. He thought it reasonable, for he’d filled his life with sin, or so he’d been convinced. What his biological father had made it out, he had enough sin stored in his body to share around the world. He’d convinced himself it was true, especially since only the worst occurred when he was around.

He continued to try and step forward, his eyes opening to realise he wasn’t moving on the floor. He began to walk quicker, slowly becoming more frustrated, before realising he was purposefully being held back. He cried out in anger. At that stage, his breath was short, and his chest was filling with hurt. He was drowning in sorrow. “Just let me die, dammit!” He cried out, feeling breath on the back of his neck.

“I won’t let it happen.”

John’s knees went weak when he heard it. He spun, to see his husband outlined firmly in blue, holding his waist, holding him close. An angel seraph taking shape as Alexander Lee had found him and was holding him as close as ever. “Xander, let me go. I hurt you.”

“I’ve hurt you in the past. I’m unfazed.” He said, his hand still cupping John’s cheek. “Go home.”

“I’m not going home.”

“Go home.” Xander’s voice was somewhat sterner as he gripped John closer. “Your soul is one that needs to be savoured. You can’t see what’s worthy about yourself, but I can. You can’t let yourself die because of a slip up.”

“It was hardly a slip up! I let people die!”

“Yet your intention wasn’t toxic.” He pulled John away from the portal and ran his ghostly hand through his hair, tucking it neatly behind his ear. “I’m with you.”

“No, you’re not. You’re in there.”

“The voice in your head told you that. My dear, I am not in that portal. I’m in the world, with you. I’m home.”

“Don’t.” John said, his voice shaking. “You’re practically dead…”

“But I fight.” He explained and pulled John against his chest. He held John’s hair and cuddled him against him, feeling John’s heat against his chest. “I shouldn’t be communicating with you in such a manner. It drains a lot of energy…” he laughed softly, and John sniffled.

“Then leave. Leave and let me come and get you.”

“John.” His voice sterned again and he cupped John’s cheek once more, looking into his eyes. “I’m here.” He placed his hand on John’s chest, right where his heart was, and John looked to where his hand was placed. “The power of the human heart, my love, bonds us. Connects our strand in the endless universe. And that is special. We are the only ones to find each other again, and again, and again. My angel you are blessed.”

“But he shouldn’t be.” The crunch of an apple gave away the figure behind them. The devil, Wilbur Cross, returned, standing back in the portal, slightly out of reach. “We all know you’re lyin’, Xander! Let him come to me! I mean, after all, he’ll benefit with being his father more than he will a husband he only met for three days before it all went haywire!”

“John, don’t listen to him. You have the higher call.” Xander reminded, gripping John tighter, his eyes fixated on the figure of the colonel before him. “Go home. I’ll follow.”

“You’re stuck in PEIP, Xandy, ya can’t. So, let him come to me.” Wilbur added, but John shook his head.

“It’s all in your mind, John. All in your mind. Now please, go home. I’ll be there.”

John listened into both of their words. He wanted to be bonded with both of them so badly, but he figured and understood that towards the end of the journey he was walking, the goodness Xander exemplified would be the better option for him. Xander had always been so wise, cool and clear, but with this added status of being _The Entity,_ hearing his voice made him human, even if he hid the truth under a disguise. John looked to Xander and nodded. “I’ll go home.”

* * *

Home was colder than it had been the night previous. Without Xander’s physical form to latch on to while he slept, he was plunged back into darkness, to the icy chill of the house they shared. He didn’t want to eat, he didn’t want to follow their routine they’d started building, so he walked up the stairs and climbed into bed wearing nothing else than the sweatpants and hoodie he’d headed to work in that morning. He thought he were dreaming, though his eyes remained open, as a warm pair of arms slivered around his body. He looked down and saw the seraph, his Xander, who’d followed him home, and rested his head against John’s chest. Though they weren’t speaking, by Xander’s presence alone, he felt blessed.

Drifting off to sleep, John allowed his mind to wander. To him, God didn’t exist. He’d been bought up in such a religious household he found it hard to believe everything he’d had to learn was true. But now, with a god lying on his chest, and with a god in his life, he was starting to understand a heavenly plan set out for them. There was faith without fear or regret, as Xander had reassured him, convincing himself he was worthy and not what his biological father would have dared to have stated. Xander was a love as close to heaven as John would ever get, would ever experience.

So John allowed his eyes to flutter shut, allowed his mind to rest, as his angel led him onwards, guiding him through the night. He could feel the pressure of Xander’s arms around his waist, assuming the man was holding watch over him as he slept, keeping him safe. He would never truly understand why Xander saw him as someone who deserved his place there. But with Xander’s head placed against his chest, the blue light that hold him captive being some found comfort, John managed to sleep realising Xander was still with him. No matter the outcome, Xander was with him, and that was one of the best things he could ever ask for.

**Author's Note:**

> anyway plz leave a comment if u read this fic i need to know who's a homie


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